What defines sex?

Before I got involved in all kinds of relationship issues, (not mine, but my friend's issues), I always thought that sex was the biggest deal, or deal breaker in a relationship. In my opinion having sex, meant a relationship and vice versa. Everyone was talking about the first time as if it was a big deal, and of course we as virgins, hoped it was. Because we saw all kinds of beautiful things in movies and imagined it to be beautiful and perfect.

As you already may have noticed in my little introduction, this is no longer how I think of sex. And I might be right when I say, that I'm not the only one.

One by one, my friends had sex for the first time and experienced it as: not so good and not so perfect as in movies. All of them told me not to expect too much, but of course I did; I was a girl that enjoyed watching romantic comedies, believed them and still hoping for it to be true. I would be the exception. (isn't that what all of us women think?) 

I have already told you, my dear friend, about my first time and how it wasn't perfect, but also not horrible, but since that day, and maybe already before, I see sex and relationships as two completely different things. How come you may ask? Well.. I'll tell you. 

At the beginning of a relationship everything is exciting and bit scary. The first time is special, of course. But after that, when there's nothing new to explore in terms of sex, does that mean your relationship is about to die? I don't think so. Sex can get boring when you can only do it with only one and the same person, when you're done experimenting, and rather go to sleep than have sex with your partner. It is commonly known that the fire dies after a period of time. But what if everything else seems perfect, except for the sex? Should you choose between either the relationship or the sex?

If you ask me; definitely not.

Sex is important in a relationship, but that's only because we make it that big if a deal. What if we only set our expectations high for the relationship, and when the sex is good, this will only be an extra advantage, not something necessary?

People often feel like they're imprisoned once they're in a relationship. All those other people you were never interested in, look so much more interesting at once. Let me tell you, when I'm on a diet, those donuts look so much more delicious, than when I'm not on a diet. But when I'm just eating healthy, and allow myself to eat a piece of chocolate once in a while, those donuts are not that interesting for me anymore.  

When people cheat, they often say: 'It meant nothing, my heart is yours' and all those kinds of things. What if that might be true and because simple lust, just the temptation that got a little to high, the best relationships come to an end? When I'm on a diet and I have a weak moment, I eat everything that's around me. I feel guilty afterwards and wish I had never done it. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm a full 100 per cent against cheating. I will never, ever justify a persons behavior when it involves cheating. The only thing what I'm trying to say, is that sex should not be the main factor in a relationship. When you decide, as a couple, that sleeping with other people is not an issue, and you both agree on that, there can be no cheating.

I have seen so many couples, wonderfully happy couples, that felt the need to break up, because they suspected their partner of cheating. Am I so out of line when I say that that could be different?

From the moment that I've had sex for the first time, I'm sure that sex doesn't necessarily involve love. You could say that I had a bad experience (not in my opinion) and it's not really fair of me to judge, since I have never really been in a real relationship, but I've seen so many people around me, broken hearted after one of them cheated, or got cheated on.

Sex doesn't define love. When the sex is bad, but the relationship is marvelous, why not take the risk, and look for sex somewhere else?

The condom issue

I went out last sunday night. It was my very first club experience. I had been to pubs, cafes and all that kind of stuff, but on Sunday we went to a legit club. Was I excited? I was excited. My mom knew for sure, that it wasn't for me. She sees me more as a pub person.. (I really have no idea what that has supposed to mean, but okay). I was a night full with Reggae, R&B, dancehall and o.. the men were gorgeous.

It felt like all the beautiful man decided to come to that particular club on that particular night. I was very pleased with this fact, I mean.. I'm single. I felt like a little kid in a candy shop.

The fact that there were countless hot men, got me thinking. Our plan was to go dancing, have fun, dance some more, and head home after that. But was if there's someone and the sexual tension gets so high.. should I have been prepared? There was no sex planned, but can sex be planned?

I wondered.. does it make me a slut if I bring a condom with me, just in case?

We all know, that after a few drinks, our limits get a bit blurry and important things, don't seem that important anymore. When you're drunk a pregnancy after a one-night-stand looks like something that will only happen to other people, and an STI.. nahh.. this person looks clean.

Just to be clear, I didn't bring anyone home that night. But what if I wanted to. Are we women, allowed to assume that mean bring the proper 'tools'?

I'm still not sure what I'll do next time, because YES!, there will be a next time. Nothing happened this time, but in my opinion you're not a slut when you bring a condom when you're going out, or wherever you want to take a condom with you. I know enough women who bring a condom with them to everyday things! Not judging them. Why make a problem of a prepared woman?

The one night stand

One of my very good friends threw a party ones. I am telling you, she's the best at throwing parties. The week before she told me about a hot guy she wanted to invite. I told her to do it.. and she did. It was her cousins ex. No-go zone, you would say, but at the beginning of the night they were already passionately kissing and touching each other shamelessly in front of all of the guests. I was drunk, everybody was drunk, we didn't think much of it. It was amazing. It was one of these parties you hear about, but never actually go to, parties you see on TV shows and in films. There was way to much to drink, people were nice to each other, there was music and there was a lot of kissing. I drank to much to early and only partied for two hours until I was already lying in my bed puking. This sounds like a Geordie Shore party, and that's exactly what it felt like.

I woke up in the middle of the night, still drunk, in the room of my friend. I heard something but was to drunk to understand what it really was. Later, when I woke up again, I figured out what this moaning was about. My dear friend was having sex with her cousins ex. She was having her very first one night stand with me in the room next to her.

The next day she told me everything, she really liked him. I was surprised; wasn't regret the appropriate emotion after a one night stand?

I couldn't help but wonder: is it possible to start a relationship with a person you already had sex with, before you really get to know him/ her. Now I know that it is possible. The friend and her cousin's ex are still together, and if I may believe her stories, she has never been happier.

I, myself, have experienced my first one night stand this weekend. Yes. Me, the 'first time should be special' kind of girl, had sex with a complete stranger. I can't tell that I feel any regret, nor butterflies like my friend. I was drunk, yes, I did not really think it through, but why not just do it when it feels good? (The fact that the guy told me he had a girlfriend afterwards is of course another story.)

In a few years, when I think about my life and all the big things that happened, this will probably not something I'll be proud of. But I'm young, I should have fun, right? I'm okay with the fact that I'll never see the guy again, and I'm okay with the fact that my first time wasn't very special. So I think other people should be too.