What defines sex?

Before I got involved in all kinds of relationship issues, (not mine, but my friend's issues), I always thought that sex was the biggest deal, or deal breaker in a relationship. In my opinion having sex, meant a relationship and vice versa. Everyone was talking about the first time as if it was a big deal, and of course we as virgins, hoped it was. Because we saw all kinds of beautiful things in movies and imagined it to be beautiful and perfect.

As you already may have noticed in my little introduction, this is no longer how I think of sex. And I might be right when I say, that I'm not the only one.

One by one, my friends had sex for the first time and experienced it as: not so good and not so perfect as in movies. All of them told me not to expect too much, but of course I did; I was a girl that enjoyed watching romantic comedies, believed them and still hoping for it to be true. I would be the exception. (isn't that what all of us women think?) 

I have already told you, my dear friend, about my first time and how it wasn't perfect, but also not horrible, but since that day, and maybe already before, I see sex and relationships as two completely different things. How come you may ask? Well.. I'll tell you. 

At the beginning of a relationship everything is exciting and bit scary. The first time is special, of course. But after that, when there's nothing new to explore in terms of sex, does that mean your relationship is about to die? I don't think so. Sex can get boring when you can only do it with only one and the same person, when you're done experimenting, and rather go to sleep than have sex with your partner. It is commonly known that the fire dies after a period of time. But what if everything else seems perfect, except for the sex? Should you choose between either the relationship or the sex?

If you ask me; definitely not.

Sex is important in a relationship, but that's only because we make it that big if a deal. What if we only set our expectations high for the relationship, and when the sex is good, this will only be an extra advantage, not something necessary?

People often feel like they're imprisoned once they're in a relationship. All those other people you were never interested in, look so much more interesting at once. Let me tell you, when I'm on a diet, those donuts look so much more delicious, than when I'm not on a diet. But when I'm just eating healthy, and allow myself to eat a piece of chocolate once in a while, those donuts are not that interesting for me anymore.  

When people cheat, they often say: 'It meant nothing, my heart is yours' and all those kinds of things. What if that might be true and because simple lust, just the temptation that got a little to high, the best relationships come to an end? When I'm on a diet and I have a weak moment, I eat everything that's around me. I feel guilty afterwards and wish I had never done it. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm a full 100 per cent against cheating. I will never, ever justify a persons behavior when it involves cheating. The only thing what I'm trying to say, is that sex should not be the main factor in a relationship. When you decide, as a couple, that sleeping with other people is not an issue, and you both agree on that, there can be no cheating.

I have seen so many couples, wonderfully happy couples, that felt the need to break up, because they suspected their partner of cheating. Am I so out of line when I say that that could be different?

From the moment that I've had sex for the first time, I'm sure that sex doesn't necessarily involve love. You could say that I had a bad experience (not in my opinion) and it's not really fair of me to judge, since I have never really been in a real relationship, but I've seen so many people around me, broken hearted after one of them cheated, or got cheated on.

Sex doesn't define love. When the sex is bad, but the relationship is marvelous, why not take the risk, and look for sex somewhere else?

The (not so) blind date

So... I got a date. A blind date you could say. It's a friend, from my best friend's boyfriend. (read that again). The classical story of getting fixed up with your best friend's boyfriend's best friend. Oh boy.. can this ever go right?

Ever since my bestie has a boyfriend, she's trying to fix me up. She wants to the whole double dating thing, and the going on vacation together thing. And all I want is just going out, kiss some guys I have never seen before and will never see again and yet still have I agreed to do a double date. Why? Because I'm a good friend and ready for some action.

Hello all man in this little world. It is true. Women want sex just as much as you do. Ever since my first time I haven't slept with anybody. I didn't get te change since I have been very occupied with college, but now I think it's time. So I accepted the invitation. Does that make me a bad person? Probably not, because a lot of people do it. Does dat make me a slut? Maybe, but I've got needs, K?

In all honestly, I'm not very attracted to the guy. He's totally not my type, but ever since I knew about his existence and his will to date me, I can't help but fantasizing about it. I've never really done the dating thing, it makes me all nervous and insecure, but I'm sure that with a few drinks I will be all comfortable and fun.

So.. I still got some time to mentally prepare myself. But I don't think I ever will be. So I guess I just have to get mortal.

From friends to lovers, and vice versa

My friend Judy is in a relationship with her former best friend. They say that's the best foundation for a great relationship. Before they became lovers, there was no reason to assume in them becoming a couple. They talked to each other about their separate love lives and acted like them weird selves. There was no make-up or politeness involved. 

After a year of being the best of friends they where again talking about their boring love life. One of them was in a dead-end relationship and the other was single. It was saturday night, and while they were actually supposed to watch 'the other woman' that was on TV that night, they looked each other in the eye. They both knew what was going to happen. Both afraid, because if their relationship wouldn't work out, there friendship would also be ruined. They kissed. And not only kissed. They sealed there relationship upstairs in Judy's bed. And a golden couple was born. 

They had the best relationship. Nothing really changed. Only for them; they got the best sex life. They both knew exactly what the other person wanted, because they told each other when they still where friends. 

When I went for a coffee last week with Judy I still assumed that their relationship was perfect. Judy told me otherwise. The romance was gone. They still had sex, the good talks and the laughs, but it started to feel more like friends again. She was very upset. If she would break-up with him, she would not only lose her lover, but also her best friend. 

They went from friends to lovers, back to friends again. 

When I got home that night, I couldn't help but wonder, is it possible to be friends with an ex? I'm sure those kind of couples do exist. Who help each other to find a new match or who encourage each other to go on that date. But that's one out of a million. What happens with all the other exes? 

Judy and her boyfriend are still together, 'working on it'.

Fairy tales and monogamy

I'm one of the only singles in my group of friends. Yes, that has bothered me. On every social media platform, my friends shared their most beautiful love stories, photo's and statuses. It looked like everybody was happy and had completely forgotten about me.

It was not until one of my dear friends told me about her boyfriend being the worst kisser, not something you see on Facebook, Twitter or tumblr, but you have to meet up for to hear about. Was I that blind and naive to believe all the statuses?

Now I can't help but wonder, is it just social media that fools us these days, or is it our mind that tricks us into believing fairy tales? Every girl, and maybe also every boy, dreams of certain things in life, and as long as we think it exists, are we willing to believe in it?

The beautiful man, bit muscled, sweet, understanding and whit a goal in life. I want it to exists, I see him in every man I cannot get. So in my world, he still did, I just did not run into him yet.

It was until my dear friend Macy told me that monogamous relationships do no longer exist. Have they ever existed? I did not want to believe her. I mean, I was still waiting for mister perfect to run into my life. My mister perfect, the man I would marry, would not ever cheat on me. I mean.. I believed in it... But since she told me, I can't help but noticing all the flaws in every relationship.

Even my friends that are in a happy relationship are dreaming of other men. Or thinking about their life after their current boyfriend. There is no man, who does not watch other women. They call it pure lust, but as long as that is all that it is, how can it be cheating?

If it's true, if everyone is cheating, how can it be that that much couples break up after one of them sleeps with someone else? The only reason I can find is the lack of trust, the lying afterwards.

Wouldn't it be easier if we all just accept that monogamous relationships do not exist, have never existed, and never will. That we could sleep with whoever we want, but share love with the one you really love? It's just lust..

Mister perfect

Valentines day.. I bet every single creature on this planet thinks it is a day full of bull shit. I am single.. I think it's bullshit. I'm not sure wether it's about the fact that other people shove their relationships in your face, or if it's about all the broken promises life makes you. I mean, as a little girl I watched a lot of romantic movies, where they promise you that there's a perfect person for you. You just have to wait. You're the shy girl? The popular guy will fall in love with you! You're stunning, but can't seem to find a guy that wants you? After one and a half hour you will be married and live happily ever after.

So many broken promises. In secondary school I was the unpopular shy girl, with a few friends of my own kind. I had always been sure that the popular guy had a big crush on me. When I creepily stared at him during class, I sat there thinking about our grand-children, how we could tell them how the beauty and the nerd fell in love with each other, not thinking about all the 'rules'. How he first had a relationship with a cheerleader, but he always knew, deep down inside his heart how much he loved me. 

Was I really that naive? I lived by the rules of a romantic comedy that I saw on a girls night with all my single friends. I believed they would live happily ever after, after that one great kiss in the rain, in front of all of their friends. 

I try not to fall for these movies anymore, but how easy is it to believe in the perfect guy that will change for you. It's nice to believe that those kind of men do exist when you got -again- disappointed by a guy you once thought was different. Would we still look for mister perfect if it wasn't for these movies? Would we settle for less?