What defines sex?

Before I got involved in all kinds of relationship issues, (not mine, but my friend's issues), I always thought that sex was the biggest deal, or deal breaker in a relationship. In my opinion having sex, meant a relationship and vice versa. Everyone was talking about the first time as if it was a big deal, and of course we as virgins, hoped it was. Because we saw all kinds of beautiful things in movies and imagined it to be beautiful and perfect.

As you already may have noticed in my little introduction, this is no longer how I think of sex. And I might be right when I say, that I'm not the only one.

One by one, my friends had sex for the first time and experienced it as: not so good and not so perfect as in movies. All of them told me not to expect too much, but of course I did; I was a girl that enjoyed watching romantic comedies, believed them and still hoping for it to be true. I would be the exception. (isn't that what all of us women think?) 

I have already told you, my dear friend, about my first time and how it wasn't perfect, but also not horrible, but since that day, and maybe already before, I see sex and relationships as two completely different things. How come you may ask? Well.. I'll tell you. 

At the beginning of a relationship everything is exciting and bit scary. The first time is special, of course. But after that, when there's nothing new to explore in terms of sex, does that mean your relationship is about to die? I don't think so. Sex can get boring when you can only do it with only one and the same person, when you're done experimenting, and rather go to sleep than have sex with your partner. It is commonly known that the fire dies after a period of time. But what if everything else seems perfect, except for the sex? Should you choose between either the relationship or the sex?

If you ask me; definitely not.

Sex is important in a relationship, but that's only because we make it that big if a deal. What if we only set our expectations high for the relationship, and when the sex is good, this will only be an extra advantage, not something necessary?

People often feel like they're imprisoned once they're in a relationship. All those other people you were never interested in, look so much more interesting at once. Let me tell you, when I'm on a diet, those donuts look so much more delicious, than when I'm not on a diet. But when I'm just eating healthy, and allow myself to eat a piece of chocolate once in a while, those donuts are not that interesting for me anymore.  

When people cheat, they often say: 'It meant nothing, my heart is yours' and all those kinds of things. What if that might be true and because simple lust, just the temptation that got a little to high, the best relationships come to an end? When I'm on a diet and I have a weak moment, I eat everything that's around me. I feel guilty afterwards and wish I had never done it. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm a full 100 per cent against cheating. I will never, ever justify a persons behavior when it involves cheating. The only thing what I'm trying to say, is that sex should not be the main factor in a relationship. When you decide, as a couple, that sleeping with other people is not an issue, and you both agree on that, there can be no cheating.

I have seen so many couples, wonderfully happy couples, that felt the need to break up, because they suspected their partner of cheating. Am I so out of line when I say that that could be different?

From the moment that I've had sex for the first time, I'm sure that sex doesn't necessarily involve love. You could say that I had a bad experience (not in my opinion) and it's not really fair of me to judge, since I have never really been in a real relationship, but I've seen so many people around me, broken hearted after one of them cheated, or got cheated on.

Sex doesn't define love. When the sex is bad, but the relationship is marvelous, why not take the risk, and look for sex somewhere else?

The (not so) blind date

So... I got a date. A blind date you could say. It's a friend, from my best friend's boyfriend. (read that again). The classical story of getting fixed up with your best friend's boyfriend's best friend. Oh boy.. can this ever go right?

Ever since my bestie has a boyfriend, she's trying to fix me up. She wants to the whole double dating thing, and the going on vacation together thing. And all I want is just going out, kiss some guys I have never seen before and will never see again and yet still have I agreed to do a double date. Why? Because I'm a good friend and ready for some action.

Hello all man in this little world. It is true. Women want sex just as much as you do. Ever since my first time I haven't slept with anybody. I didn't get te change since I have been very occupied with college, but now I think it's time. So I accepted the invitation. Does that make me a bad person? Probably not, because a lot of people do it. Does dat make me a slut? Maybe, but I've got needs, K?

In all honestly, I'm not very attracted to the guy. He's totally not my type, but ever since I knew about his existence and his will to date me, I can't help but fantasizing about it. I've never really done the dating thing, it makes me all nervous and insecure, but I'm sure that with a few drinks I will be all comfortable and fun.

So.. I still got some time to mentally prepare myself. But I don't think I ever will be. So I guess I just have to get mortal.

The bad friend

Macy and her boyfriend are together for three months. And as I told you before, they already had some issues. I really thought it wouldn't last but today I had some news. And for me it is bad news; they're moving in together.

Well hello. What happened with all these problems? Did they just vanished after they bought a coach together? Yes! They already bought a coach together. I can't believe it. I'm both sad and excited. Sad because she will live an hour away from me. She will live with her boyfriend (which makes sense when you move in together), which means that she will not have as much time for me as before. Excited because I know that this is what she wants and I want her to be happy.

Sometimes I think the worst things when I feel alone and she has no time for me. Then I hope they will break up so that everything will go back to normal again. I know that that would break her heart, so after I am rational again, I oblige myself to feel bad about it.

I know it's normal that when you're both single, you have loads of time together, and that that will change after one of you gets a boy or girlfriend. Especially in the beginning it was very hard and I felt sad, because we used to spend all our weekends together (now I haven't seen her in four weeks, just saying..).

I was okay with it, I got a little used to it, but now that I know that they're moving in together, I'm back in hating mode. I'm so frustrated and sad, but I know I have to get over myself.

I wonder when she will come with the news that they're having a baby. o m g

I have to stop hating about love. But I love being her friend and I feel her drifting away from me. -whine-

The truth

I just got of the phone with Macy. She is in her first relationship since 4 years and she's having a hard time. He's not the kind of guy that replies to his whatsapps right away, or comes on time when they actually have plans.. He needs his space and she is willing to give that to him. Well.. that's what she thinks. But he keeps asking for more.

The guy she has been dating for a few months now is not very good at explaining himself. He's not from here and his dutch / english is the worst. Macy knows what he tries the say most of the time, but when she shows me something he said, I have no clue. They had some issues in the beginning, they misunderstood each other most of the time.

When Macy called me, she was pissed. The guy had been texting her things that weren't very nice. Afterwards she send them to me, so I could read them and tell her my thoughts on it. To be honest, I didn't see the problem. He was just telling her that he was very bussy and sorry he didn't reply. That she should stop thinking that he was mad or something. This is how Macy explained to me what he said: 'He told me that he was bussy. I mean... I give him so much space, can't he just tell me what the fuck he's doing. And how dares he to say that I shouldn't think that he's mad. I AM MAD!' 'Yes Macy, I hear you Macy.. But that's not really what he said you know. Read it again..' Eventually I calmed her down.

But it got me thinking. Do we woman only hear what we want to hear? 

Woman stay woman when a man says something. We, the sex called woman, tend to change nice compliments into insults. 'You look nice today.' 'What do you mean? Did I not look nice yesterday?' Why is it so hard for woman to just hear what a person has to say?

I see the same problem when my parents are fighting. When my mom is mad at my dad she yells and screams, but my dad forgives her when she tells him, she's sorry. When it's the other way around and my dad is mad at my mom and he says things he doesn't mean, he has to hear about it for days.

I guess it's true that women are the more complicated sex.

Most man are simple minded. When a man tells you that you look nice today, he really means that you look nice today. Take the compliment woman! It has nothing to do with yesterday, last week or any other day.

Do we woman, ever say things that are completely true. An example, when a friend gained some pounds and mentions it, all we say is 'don't be silly, you look amazing'. We will never just tell them, that indeed they lost some pounds, but look fabulous anyway. That the skirt she's wearing is a bit to short, and that silly hairdo, is really not for her. As woman we tell each other lies, so we expect from men to do the same.

But in all honesty... do we want to know the truth?

Thursday Tunes

Welcome to the very first Thursday Tunes. In these kind of posts I will show some songs I can't stop listening to. ENJOY

Milky Chance - Sadnecessary

Many people now Milky Chance's 'Stolen Dance' which is also an amazing song. I always listen to this when I have to walk somewhere; it has a great beat for that!

Bastille - No Angels

This song is amazing. In my opinion Bastille is one of the greatest bands these day. I've seen them live twice, and the energy! Seriously. They're so good.

Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne

Aaaaah, summer feelings! Make sure to have your sunglasses on and a cocktail near at hand.



Those are the three songs I have on repeat lately. I hope you also enjoy them!

From friends to lovers, and vice versa

My friend Judy is in a relationship with her former best friend. They say that's the best foundation for a great relationship. Before they became lovers, there was no reason to assume in them becoming a couple. They talked to each other about their separate love lives and acted like them weird selves. There was no make-up or politeness involved. 

After a year of being the best of friends they where again talking about their boring love life. One of them was in a dead-end relationship and the other was single. It was saturday night, and while they were actually supposed to watch 'the other woman' that was on TV that night, they looked each other in the eye. They both knew what was going to happen. Both afraid, because if their relationship wouldn't work out, there friendship would also be ruined. They kissed. And not only kissed. They sealed there relationship upstairs in Judy's bed. And a golden couple was born. 

They had the best relationship. Nothing really changed. Only for them; they got the best sex life. They both knew exactly what the other person wanted, because they told each other when they still where friends. 

When I went for a coffee last week with Judy I still assumed that their relationship was perfect. Judy told me otherwise. The romance was gone. They still had sex, the good talks and the laughs, but it started to feel more like friends again. She was very upset. If she would break-up with him, she would not only lose her lover, but also her best friend. 

They went from friends to lovers, back to friends again. 

When I got home that night, I couldn't help but wonder, is it possible to be friends with an ex? I'm sure those kind of couples do exist. Who help each other to find a new match or who encourage each other to go on that date. But that's one out of a million. What happens with all the other exes? 

Judy and her boyfriend are still together, 'working on it'.

The condom issue

I went out last sunday night. It was my very first club experience. I had been to pubs, cafes and all that kind of stuff, but on Sunday we went to a legit club. Was I excited? I was excited. My mom knew for sure, that it wasn't for me. She sees me more as a pub person.. (I really have no idea what that has supposed to mean, but okay). I was a night full with Reggae, R&B, dancehall and o.. the men were gorgeous.

It felt like all the beautiful man decided to come to that particular club on that particular night. I was very pleased with this fact, I mean.. I'm single. I felt like a little kid in a candy shop.

The fact that there were countless hot men, got me thinking. Our plan was to go dancing, have fun, dance some more, and head home after that. But was if there's someone and the sexual tension gets so high.. should I have been prepared? There was no sex planned, but can sex be planned?

I wondered.. does it make me a slut if I bring a condom with me, just in case?

We all know, that after a few drinks, our limits get a bit blurry and important things, don't seem that important anymore. When you're drunk a pregnancy after a one-night-stand looks like something that will only happen to other people, and an STI.. nahh.. this person looks clean.

Just to be clear, I didn't bring anyone home that night. But what if I wanted to. Are we women, allowed to assume that mean bring the proper 'tools'?

I'm still not sure what I'll do next time, because YES!, there will be a next time. Nothing happened this time, but in my opinion you're not a slut when you bring a condom when you're going out, or wherever you want to take a condom with you. I know enough women who bring a condom with them to everyday things! Not judging them. Why make a problem of a prepared woman?