What defines sex?

Before I got involved in all kinds of relationship issues, (not mine, but my friend's issues), I always thought that sex was the biggest deal, or deal breaker in a relationship. In my opinion having sex, meant a relationship and vice versa. Everyone was talking about the first time as if it was a big deal, and of course we as virgins, hoped it was. Because we saw all kinds of beautiful things in movies and imagined it to be beautiful and perfect.

As you already may have noticed in my little introduction, this is no longer how I think of sex. And I might be right when I say, that I'm not the only one.

One by one, my friends had sex for the first time and experienced it as: not so good and not so perfect as in movies. All of them told me not to expect too much, but of course I did; I was a girl that enjoyed watching romantic comedies, believed them and still hoping for it to be true. I would be the exception. (isn't that what all of us women think?) 

I have already told you, my dear friend, about my first time and how it wasn't perfect, but also not horrible, but since that day, and maybe already before, I see sex and relationships as two completely different things. How come you may ask? Well.. I'll tell you. 

At the beginning of a relationship everything is exciting and bit scary. The first time is special, of course. But after that, when there's nothing new to explore in terms of sex, does that mean your relationship is about to die? I don't think so. Sex can get boring when you can only do it with only one and the same person, when you're done experimenting, and rather go to sleep than have sex with your partner. It is commonly known that the fire dies after a period of time. But what if everything else seems perfect, except for the sex? Should you choose between either the relationship or the sex?

If you ask me; definitely not.

Sex is important in a relationship, but that's only because we make it that big if a deal. What if we only set our expectations high for the relationship, and when the sex is good, this will only be an extra advantage, not something necessary?

People often feel like they're imprisoned once they're in a relationship. All those other people you were never interested in, look so much more interesting at once. Let me tell you, when I'm on a diet, those donuts look so much more delicious, than when I'm not on a diet. But when I'm just eating healthy, and allow myself to eat a piece of chocolate once in a while, those donuts are not that interesting for me anymore.  

When people cheat, they often say: 'It meant nothing, my heart is yours' and all those kinds of things. What if that might be true and because simple lust, just the temptation that got a little to high, the best relationships come to an end? When I'm on a diet and I have a weak moment, I eat everything that's around me. I feel guilty afterwards and wish I had never done it. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm a full 100 per cent against cheating. I will never, ever justify a persons behavior when it involves cheating. The only thing what I'm trying to say, is that sex should not be the main factor in a relationship. When you decide, as a couple, that sleeping with other people is not an issue, and you both agree on that, there can be no cheating.

I have seen so many couples, wonderfully happy couples, that felt the need to break up, because they suspected their partner of cheating. Am I so out of line when I say that that could be different?

From the moment that I've had sex for the first time, I'm sure that sex doesn't necessarily involve love. You could say that I had a bad experience (not in my opinion) and it's not really fair of me to judge, since I have never really been in a real relationship, but I've seen so many people around me, broken hearted after one of them cheated, or got cheated on.

Sex doesn't define love. When the sex is bad, but the relationship is marvelous, why not take the risk, and look for sex somewhere else?

The (not so) blind date

So... I got a date. A blind date you could say. It's a friend, from my best friend's boyfriend. (read that again). The classical story of getting fixed up with your best friend's boyfriend's best friend. Oh boy.. can this ever go right?

Ever since my bestie has a boyfriend, she's trying to fix me up. She wants to the whole double dating thing, and the going on vacation together thing. And all I want is just going out, kiss some guys I have never seen before and will never see again and yet still have I agreed to do a double date. Why? Because I'm a good friend and ready for some action.

Hello all man in this little world. It is true. Women want sex just as much as you do. Ever since my first time I haven't slept with anybody. I didn't get te change since I have been very occupied with college, but now I think it's time. So I accepted the invitation. Does that make me a bad person? Probably not, because a lot of people do it. Does dat make me a slut? Maybe, but I've got needs, K?

In all honestly, I'm not very attracted to the guy. He's totally not my type, but ever since I knew about his existence and his will to date me, I can't help but fantasizing about it. I've never really done the dating thing, it makes me all nervous and insecure, but I'm sure that with a few drinks I will be all comfortable and fun.

So.. I still got some time to mentally prepare myself. But I don't think I ever will be. So I guess I just have to get mortal.

The bad friend

Macy and her boyfriend are together for three months. And as I told you before, they already had some issues. I really thought it wouldn't last but today I had some news. And for me it is bad news; they're moving in together.

Well hello. What happened with all these problems? Did they just vanished after they bought a coach together? Yes! They already bought a coach together. I can't believe it. I'm both sad and excited. Sad because she will live an hour away from me. She will live with her boyfriend (which makes sense when you move in together), which means that she will not have as much time for me as before. Excited because I know that this is what she wants and I want her to be happy.

Sometimes I think the worst things when I feel alone and she has no time for me. Then I hope they will break up so that everything will go back to normal again. I know that that would break her heart, so after I am rational again, I oblige myself to feel bad about it.

I know it's normal that when you're both single, you have loads of time together, and that that will change after one of you gets a boy or girlfriend. Especially in the beginning it was very hard and I felt sad, because we used to spend all our weekends together (now I haven't seen her in four weeks, just saying..).

I was okay with it, I got a little used to it, but now that I know that they're moving in together, I'm back in hating mode. I'm so frustrated and sad, but I know I have to get over myself.

I wonder when she will come with the news that they're having a baby. o m g

I have to stop hating about love. But I love being her friend and I feel her drifting away from me. -whine-

The truth

I just got of the phone with Macy. She is in her first relationship since 4 years and she's having a hard time. He's not the kind of guy that replies to his whatsapps right away, or comes on time when they actually have plans.. He needs his space and she is willing to give that to him. Well.. that's what she thinks. But he keeps asking for more.

The guy she has been dating for a few months now is not very good at explaining himself. He's not from here and his dutch / english is the worst. Macy knows what he tries the say most of the time, but when she shows me something he said, I have no clue. They had some issues in the beginning, they misunderstood each other most of the time.

When Macy called me, she was pissed. The guy had been texting her things that weren't very nice. Afterwards she send them to me, so I could read them and tell her my thoughts on it. To be honest, I didn't see the problem. He was just telling her that he was very bussy and sorry he didn't reply. That she should stop thinking that he was mad or something. This is how Macy explained to me what he said: 'He told me that he was bussy. I mean... I give him so much space, can't he just tell me what the fuck he's doing. And how dares he to say that I shouldn't think that he's mad. I AM MAD!' 'Yes Macy, I hear you Macy.. But that's not really what he said you know. Read it again..' Eventually I calmed her down.

But it got me thinking. Do we woman only hear what we want to hear? 

Woman stay woman when a man says something. We, the sex called woman, tend to change nice compliments into insults. 'You look nice today.' 'What do you mean? Did I not look nice yesterday?' Why is it so hard for woman to just hear what a person has to say?

I see the same problem when my parents are fighting. When my mom is mad at my dad she yells and screams, but my dad forgives her when she tells him, she's sorry. When it's the other way around and my dad is mad at my mom and he says things he doesn't mean, he has to hear about it for days.

I guess it's true that women are the more complicated sex.

Most man are simple minded. When a man tells you that you look nice today, he really means that you look nice today. Take the compliment woman! It has nothing to do with yesterday, last week or any other day.

Do we woman, ever say things that are completely true. An example, when a friend gained some pounds and mentions it, all we say is 'don't be silly, you look amazing'. We will never just tell them, that indeed they lost some pounds, but look fabulous anyway. That the skirt she's wearing is a bit to short, and that silly hairdo, is really not for her. As woman we tell each other lies, so we expect from men to do the same.

But in all honesty... do we want to know the truth?

Thursday Tunes

Welcome to the very first Thursday Tunes. In these kind of posts I will show some songs I can't stop listening to. ENJOY

Milky Chance - Sadnecessary

Many people now Milky Chance's 'Stolen Dance' which is also an amazing song. I always listen to this when I have to walk somewhere; it has a great beat for that!

Bastille - No Angels

This song is amazing. In my opinion Bastille is one of the greatest bands these day. I've seen them live twice, and the energy! Seriously. They're so good.

Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne

Aaaaah, summer feelings! Make sure to have your sunglasses on and a cocktail near at hand.



Those are the three songs I have on repeat lately. I hope you also enjoy them!

From friends to lovers, and vice versa

My friend Judy is in a relationship with her former best friend. They say that's the best foundation for a great relationship. Before they became lovers, there was no reason to assume in them becoming a couple. They talked to each other about their separate love lives and acted like them weird selves. There was no make-up or politeness involved. 

After a year of being the best of friends they where again talking about their boring love life. One of them was in a dead-end relationship and the other was single. It was saturday night, and while they were actually supposed to watch 'the other woman' that was on TV that night, they looked each other in the eye. They both knew what was going to happen. Both afraid, because if their relationship wouldn't work out, there friendship would also be ruined. They kissed. And not only kissed. They sealed there relationship upstairs in Judy's bed. And a golden couple was born. 

They had the best relationship. Nothing really changed. Only for them; they got the best sex life. They both knew exactly what the other person wanted, because they told each other when they still where friends. 

When I went for a coffee last week with Judy I still assumed that their relationship was perfect. Judy told me otherwise. The romance was gone. They still had sex, the good talks and the laughs, but it started to feel more like friends again. She was very upset. If she would break-up with him, she would not only lose her lover, but also her best friend. 

They went from friends to lovers, back to friends again. 

When I got home that night, I couldn't help but wonder, is it possible to be friends with an ex? I'm sure those kind of couples do exist. Who help each other to find a new match or who encourage each other to go on that date. But that's one out of a million. What happens with all the other exes? 

Judy and her boyfriend are still together, 'working on it'.

The condom issue

I went out last sunday night. It was my very first club experience. I had been to pubs, cafes and all that kind of stuff, but on Sunday we went to a legit club. Was I excited? I was excited. My mom knew for sure, that it wasn't for me. She sees me more as a pub person.. (I really have no idea what that has supposed to mean, but okay). I was a night full with Reggae, R&B, dancehall and o.. the men were gorgeous.

It felt like all the beautiful man decided to come to that particular club on that particular night. I was very pleased with this fact, I mean.. I'm single. I felt like a little kid in a candy shop.

The fact that there were countless hot men, got me thinking. Our plan was to go dancing, have fun, dance some more, and head home after that. But was if there's someone and the sexual tension gets so high.. should I have been prepared? There was no sex planned, but can sex be planned?

I wondered.. does it make me a slut if I bring a condom with me, just in case?

We all know, that after a few drinks, our limits get a bit blurry and important things, don't seem that important anymore. When you're drunk a pregnancy after a one-night-stand looks like something that will only happen to other people, and an STI.. nahh.. this person looks clean.

Just to be clear, I didn't bring anyone home that night. But what if I wanted to. Are we women, allowed to assume that mean bring the proper 'tools'?

I'm still not sure what I'll do next time, because YES!, there will be a next time. Nothing happened this time, but in my opinion you're not a slut when you bring a condom when you're going out, or wherever you want to take a condom with you. I know enough women who bring a condom with them to everyday things! Not judging them. Why make a problem of a prepared woman?

Fairy tales and monogamy

I'm one of the only singles in my group of friends. Yes, that has bothered me. On every social media platform, my friends shared their most beautiful love stories, photo's and statuses. It looked like everybody was happy and had completely forgotten about me.

It was not until one of my dear friends told me about her boyfriend being the worst kisser, not something you see on Facebook, Twitter or tumblr, but you have to meet up for to hear about. Was I that blind and naive to believe all the statuses?

Now I can't help but wonder, is it just social media that fools us these days, or is it our mind that tricks us into believing fairy tales? Every girl, and maybe also every boy, dreams of certain things in life, and as long as we think it exists, are we willing to believe in it?

The beautiful man, bit muscled, sweet, understanding and whit a goal in life. I want it to exists, I see him in every man I cannot get. So in my world, he still did, I just did not run into him yet.

It was until my dear friend Macy told me that monogamous relationships do no longer exist. Have they ever existed? I did not want to believe her. I mean, I was still waiting for mister perfect to run into my life. My mister perfect, the man I would marry, would not ever cheat on me. I mean.. I believed in it... But since she told me, I can't help but noticing all the flaws in every relationship.

Even my friends that are in a happy relationship are dreaming of other men. Or thinking about their life after their current boyfriend. There is no man, who does not watch other women. They call it pure lust, but as long as that is all that it is, how can it be cheating?

If it's true, if everyone is cheating, how can it be that that much couples break up after one of them sleeps with someone else? The only reason I can find is the lack of trust, the lying afterwards.

Wouldn't it be easier if we all just accept that monogamous relationships do not exist, have never existed, and never will. That we could sleep with whoever we want, but share love with the one you really love? It's just lust..

The one night stand

One of my very good friends threw a party ones. I am telling you, she's the best at throwing parties. The week before she told me about a hot guy she wanted to invite. I told her to do it.. and she did. It was her cousins ex. No-go zone, you would say, but at the beginning of the night they were already passionately kissing and touching each other shamelessly in front of all of the guests. I was drunk, everybody was drunk, we didn't think much of it. It was amazing. It was one of these parties you hear about, but never actually go to, parties you see on TV shows and in films. There was way to much to drink, people were nice to each other, there was music and there was a lot of kissing. I drank to much to early and only partied for two hours until I was already lying in my bed puking. This sounds like a Geordie Shore party, and that's exactly what it felt like.

I woke up in the middle of the night, still drunk, in the room of my friend. I heard something but was to drunk to understand what it really was. Later, when I woke up again, I figured out what this moaning was about. My dear friend was having sex with her cousins ex. She was having her very first one night stand with me in the room next to her.

The next day she told me everything, she really liked him. I was surprised; wasn't regret the appropriate emotion after a one night stand?

I couldn't help but wonder: is it possible to start a relationship with a person you already had sex with, before you really get to know him/ her. Now I know that it is possible. The friend and her cousin's ex are still together, and if I may believe her stories, she has never been happier.

I, myself, have experienced my first one night stand this weekend. Yes. Me, the 'first time should be special' kind of girl, had sex with a complete stranger. I can't tell that I feel any regret, nor butterflies like my friend. I was drunk, yes, I did not really think it through, but why not just do it when it feels good? (The fact that the guy told me he had a girlfriend afterwards is of course another story.)

In a few years, when I think about my life and all the big things that happened, this will probably not something I'll be proud of. But I'm young, I should have fun, right? I'm okay with the fact that I'll never see the guy again, and I'm okay with the fact that my first time wasn't very special. So I think other people should be too.

Mister perfect

Valentines day.. I bet every single creature on this planet thinks it is a day full of bull shit. I am single.. I think it's bullshit. I'm not sure wether it's about the fact that other people shove their relationships in your face, or if it's about all the broken promises life makes you. I mean, as a little girl I watched a lot of romantic movies, where they promise you that there's a perfect person for you. You just have to wait. You're the shy girl? The popular guy will fall in love with you! You're stunning, but can't seem to find a guy that wants you? After one and a half hour you will be married and live happily ever after.

So many broken promises. In secondary school I was the unpopular shy girl, with a few friends of my own kind. I had always been sure that the popular guy had a big crush on me. When I creepily stared at him during class, I sat there thinking about our grand-children, how we could tell them how the beauty and the nerd fell in love with each other, not thinking about all the 'rules'. How he first had a relationship with a cheerleader, but he always knew, deep down inside his heart how much he loved me. 

Was I really that naive? I lived by the rules of a romantic comedy that I saw on a girls night with all my single friends. I believed they would live happily ever after, after that one great kiss in the rain, in front of all of their friends. 

I try not to fall for these movies anymore, but how easy is it to believe in the perfect guy that will change for you. It's nice to believe that those kind of men do exist when you got -again- disappointed by a guy you once thought was different. Would we still look for mister perfect if it wasn't for these movies? Would we settle for less?

How social media runs our love lives.

Does it make me desperate? Waiting for an answer for a question I asked on Facebook chat.. Maybe, I mean probably. But I just can't help it. As soon as I say something to a certain someone I need a response right a way. First minute of waiting: hmmm, I could have said it in another way. Minute 2: god.. I definitely said it the wrong way.  Minute 3: I lost a friend. Minute 4: that's it, I can better move to another planet. I can go on like that, but that's just how my mind works. After the person replies, I will close the Facebook screen and wait for a few minutes before I respond, I do not wan't to look like a stalker, you know.

I am waiting for a reply know. And while typing this, I can't help but wonder, how impatient are people these days? We know how late we said a certain something, how late they received it, read it, and how late they were online. We get mad when people are not replying right away.

What's up with all these different types of communicating with each other, does it really make us more social or is it just a way, of being even more occupied with the idea of knowing what other people do. I have to admit that I can't go a day without checking twitter. I have to know what my friends do, with who and how they feel about it. This is horrible, because when I read about them having fun with someone else, the only emotion I feel, is jealousy. When there are no updates, I'm annoyed. I have to know what they do.

Has social media really brought some nice things? Probably. My dad always mentions the fact of getting in touch with people they used to know. But once you know their story there's nothing left interesting about their lives you want to know. And is there really something you want them to know about your life. Probably only the big things that make you feel happy and popular. But that's just not how things work.

Still waiting for a certain someone to reply. Time to leave.

February 15, 2014 - where it all began

When it comes to love, I am a newbie, a beginner, a NOOB. I am 18 years old, not hideous (at least that's what I hope) and ready for some love. But my friend tells my that I'm to picky when it comes to guys. Well hello, I'm not going out with a guy I don't like, or  when there's no click, or not my type... well okay, I can see her point now.

The problem is, I am ready for love! I am ready to feel butterflies in my stomach, to get nervous when someone gets to close, or to think about a person all day long, everyday. The last time I really was in love, has to be.. about.. 7 years ago. This guy really made my world spin. Unbelievable. Looking back, I WAS OBSESSED! I think I'm the stalkish-girl-in-love. Checking his hyves all the frickin time (something we used to have in Holland. Something like facebook), going on MSN to see if he's online. Gosh.. the time I spend on my computer those days.

Honestly, I was late with everything. I kissed for the first time when I was 16, almost 17, and the next time was almost a year later! I mean.. maybe it's not super late, but I know people who slept with someone for the first time when they were 14 or 15.

There are two types of people in this world. People who have sex when they're 15, have no problems with sharing their sexuality and don't think kissing and sex are a big deal. It's just a part of life, and when it feels good, why just not do it.

I'm not like that. Sometimes I wish I was, but no, it's just not me. I'm the other type. The more reserved type. When someone flirts, just not knowing what to do, and always the 'no'. No kissing, no touching, no sex. Well I do the kissing, because who doesn't like a good snog? Right?

The point of this blog you may ask? Being more aware of all the things I do. I always feel like the normal kind, but is there a normal kind? 

I'll keep you posted. 

Happy -late- valentines day